Err what?
by Treymane
Summary: Some amusing and unrelated stories about the characters and events of Mass Effect. For now, what are those two people in the mess hall always talking about and Shepherd head-butts Wrex. Please read, review, and enjoy.
1. Behind the Back

**Hello, just wanted to say that these stories are not made with any particular 'Shepherd' in mind so feel free to imagine the commander in whatever form, gender, or species you wish. These stories are unrelated, I just prefer to keep them together rather than have a bunch of little stories floating around. As always, please enjoy and review.**

**By the way, I respond to reviews in the reviews section.**

_Behind the Back_

The tension in the ExoGeni refuge had spiked since the return of Commander Shepherd and his squad. Now Shepherd and Jeong had drawn weapons. The former's weapon was trained on Jeong's head while the latter was flailing his own weapon about and babbling about the need to purge the colony.

"Put that weapon down," Shepherd said sternly, "unless you intend to use it."

"What?" asked Jeong angrily, "you think you can just burst in here and—" Jeong raised his weapon and Shepherd fired a single shot, a flash of blue light and Jeong's lifeless corpse fell to the ground, blood rapidly spreading from a gaping exit wound.

"As if the Geth weren't bad enough," started a scientist, whose name Shepherd had not bothered to commit to memory, "now we're shooting each other in the back!"

"What!" exclaimed Shepherd, "I didn't shoot him in the back. I shot him in the head!"

"We have to find some way to destroy the Thorian, it's beneath Zhu's Hope," said another nameless one.

"But what about the colonists?" asked the other, "there has to be some way to save them."

"I mean, that was right in the face," Shepherd continued, "no way that was in the back. Wasn't that a good shot Ash?"

"Commander, I think there are more important things to worry about than Jeong's corpse," replied Ashley.

"Shut the hell up petty officer; you're out of line!"

"Sir, I'm a gunnery chief."

"Not if you keep questioning my orders!"

"Yes sir," said Ashley.

"Heheh," chuckled Wrex, "stupid ash-hole."

"God damn it Wrex that isn't funny!" whined Ashley.

Wrex smiled.

"I told you to shut the hell up petty officer!" said Shepherd.

Wrex smiled wider.

Ashley bared her teeth.

Wrex laughed.

"That really was a good shot," Shepherd remarked, looking down at the perfectly round hole in the dead center of Jeong's forehead. "I should frame it. Petty officer, where's my still-cam?"

"Your what?"

"My still-cam. That thing that takes pictures of head shots that I frame and put on the mantle."

Ashley grimaced, remembering the one time she had accidentally wandered into the commander's quarters after first arriving on the Normandy.

"Wrex broke it when he pried it open trying to get the pictures out."

"Damn it!" shouted Shepherd, "Now how am I going to take a picture of this masterpiece!"

The two nameless scientists stopped talking to stare at Shepherd. They seemed to be unaware that the pool of blood emerging from Jeong had slowly expanded and encompassed the area around their feet.

After regaining composure, the commander straightened up and turned to the scientists.

"So," said Shepherd, "how are we going to save the colonists?"

**Coming up next, a story about the difficulties of long-distance relationships**


	2. Going the Distance

**Something for all of us who lost interest in Ashley after she went down to the underdeck.**

_Going the Distance_

The elevator _slowly_ ground to a halt on the hangar deck of the Normandy and Commander Shepherd stepped off. The crew were all in their usual spots, Garrus by the Mako, Wrex leaning against the lockers, and Ashley, conducting her routine inventory of the small arms.

Shepherd cautiously approached Ashley, knowing that she probably wouldn't like what he had to say.

"Hey, skipper," the marine said once Shepherd had drawn close enough.

"Hey, chief," Shepherd said slowly, "there's something we need to talk about."

"Oh, and what's that?"

"Us."

"This should be interesting," said Ashley, pulling her chair out and sitting down.

This left Shepherd at a disadvantage, so far as he knew, that was the only chair on the deck.

"I just can't do this anymore, chief," said Shepherd, "I mean, back when you were in the mess hall things were going good between us but now . . . you just live so far away. I can't handle this."

"Skipper," started Ashley, stressing each syllable and speaking between clenched teeth, "I am one deck below your quarters. There are only three decks on this whole ship. You are just a lazy-ass."

"What!?" exclaimed Shepherd, "have ever ridden on that elevator? It takes half an hour for that thing to get down here. Then we talk for five minutes and I head back up. That's a full hour's round trip for five minutes of 'us' time. I'm sorry Ash, but this isn't working."

That was when a burly reptilian hand seized Shepherd's shoulder and spun him around.

"Sorry Shepherd," said Wrex, "but you're in my territory." The krogan glanced at Ashley.

"Wait . . ." said Shepherd, looking at Ashley then at Wrex and back again. "The two of you can't have . . ." Ashley nodded, "No . . ." Wrex nodded, "Really?" They both nodded, "That's impossible."

"No it isn't," said Ashley, matter-of-factly, then leaned closer to Shepherd. "And guess what, he's got four of them."

Shepherd grimaced, looked at Wrex looking down at him, "That's disgusting," he said, and headed for the elevator.

After ten minutest the elevator still had not cleared the hangar deck.

"So where did you guys do it?" Shepherd had to ask.

"Where's the only double bed on the ship?" asked Ashley.

"Son of a bitch!" yelled Shepherd as the elevator finally did clear the hangar deck.

**Coming up next, lunch break**


	3. Lunch Break

_Lunch Break_

Jason Landry and Sarah Stepp had a lot in common. Both were second class servicemen, both had posts in the Normandy's CIC, and both of them had been on lunch break since Shepherd had taken command three days ago.

"So," started Sarah, "what do you want to talk about?"

Jason was staring at the holographic display panel above the table. He couldn't help but wonder why the ship's designers thought it necessary to put the panel up so high. The elevation of the panels certainly wasn't for the benefit of passers-by, since the panels did not face the outside, and could not have been for anyone sitting at the table, since one had to crane his or her neck at an uncomfortable angle to look at the panels. The only places one could comfortably look at the panels was when standing at least four feet behind the chairs or when looking through the gap in the support structure.

"What's there to talk about?" asked Jason, "I believe we have exhausted every potential topic by now."

"Maybe we should go back to our posts at CIC?"

"Nah, the commander hasn't given the change shifts announcement. Until then we're off duty. Thank god we don't get paid by the hour."

"Y'know," started Sarah, leaning closer to Jason, "I'm starting to think that maybe the commander doesn't know how to tell us to change shifts."

"Well that's just stupid," replied Jason. "All he has to do is say it."

"Yeah, but . . . well, the commander has been acting strange ever since Eden Prime. It's almost like he doesn't even recognize we exist anymore."

"That's true. I remember he used to talk–"

Jason shut up at the sounds of boots coming down the stairs. A few seconds later Shepherd came into view. The commander ran in a circle around the table before crouching down behind Jason's chair. Jason turned his head, watching Shepherd stare at him out of the corner of his eye. An awkward moment later the commander stood back up and jogged into the infirmary.

"What the hell was that about? And why is the commander always jogging now? Why the hell can't he walk like a normal person?"

"He can do whatever he wants because he's in charge. Hey, are you listening?"

"I'm going to sleep."

"You know the sleeper pods are just ten feet away, right?"

"Forget the sleeper pods, damned things look too much like coffins."

"Whatever," said Sarah, and went back to eating only to realize that there was nothing in front of her.

**Coming up next, close quarters on the Citadel Transit System**


	4. Exact Change

**Thanks for all of the reviews, they really do encourage me to write more. Unfortunately, the time I can devote to writing is going to be constrained due to what I expect to be a very busy semester. I'll keep writing as the opportunity arises.**

**Since it has been a little while since my last update so I decided to give you guys a slightly longer than usual chapter and I've even thrown in a reference to some of Bioware's older games for those of us who remember. Weighing in at 991 words, I give you . . .**

**Why Shepherd and crew arrived so late to that second council meeting. . .**

_Exact Change_

Shepherd, Ashley and Wrex were running across the narrow causeways of the Praesidium, shoving people out of their way and generally causing public disturbances.

"Come on," said Shepherd, motioning for Ashley and Wrex to keep up, "we have to get to the Citadel Tower, I want to see the faces of those cocky councilors when they find out Saren's been playing them."

"Then we should use the transit system," said Ashley, "they may have already started by now."

Shepherd looked to the nearby transit system terminal, then to the countless number of cars rapidly flying overhead.

"I don't know about that transit system," said Shepherd, "it just doesn't seem safe."

"Wuss," said Wrex.

Shepherd stared acidly at Wrex.

The Krogan raised an eyebrow.

Shepherd tried to raise a single eyebrow but raised both instead. "Goddammit," he groaned.

"Heheh, stupid mammal."

Shepherd took a swing at Wrex. The krogan didn't flinch. Instead Shepherd looked down at his hand and saw that his knuckles and the tops of his fingers were bleeding.

"Gggaaaaa!"

"Heheh."

After using the transit system panel to call a shuttle, Ashely turned to see Shepherd cradling his mangled appendage while Wrex stood by smugly. Ashley knew exactly what had happened, Wrex had already done the same thing to Kaiden a few hours ago.

"Just smear some medigel on the thing and it'll be fine," muttered Ashley.

One of the cars tore away from the unending stream of traffic above and dove toward the trio, leveling out right before it seemingly would smeared the aweigh team all over the pristinely waxed floor.

"That was fast," said Ashley, approaching the car. The car looked like all the others Ashley had seen lying around, just a simply flat vehicle with a lot of . . .

_How the hell do we get in it? No door handle, buttons, slidecard port . . . . A coin hole?_

Leaning closer Ashley saw "$1.75" written by the coin receiver.

"Great," sighed Ashley, "the one time I didn't bring my purse. Either of you have any change?"

"You don't have any?" asked Shepherd.

"I don't have my purse."

"Have you checked your pockets?"

Ashley threw up her arms, "Do you see any pockets?"

"Err, not on the front."

"I think Shepherd wants you to turn around," said Wrex.

"Shut the hell up!"

"You want to try punching me again, human?"

Ashley turned back to look at the coin receiver.

A moment later: "Gggaaaaaa! It's like grabbing barbed wire!"

"Neither of you really have any change?" asked Ashley, again turning to the males.

Now Shepherd stood with both hands dangling limply from his wrists while Wrex had an irreconcilably pleased expression on his face.

"Yeah, I've got some change," said Shepherd.

"Well, you're not going to get to it with those hands," said Ashley.

"Maybe he wants you to get it for him," said Wrex.

"Goddammit Wrex I told you to shut the hell up!"

"And just what the hell are you going to do about it?" asked the Krogan, and Ashley became certain the Krogan's grin could not get any wider.

After looking down at his useless hands, Shepherd locked eyes with Wrex and charged. Head first. Coincidentally, the back of Shepherd's head was the first thing to contact the floor. The commander's face was now a network of lines, scratches, and cuts inflicted from its peremptory meeting with Wrex's face.

"Was that really necessary?" Ashley asked Wrex.

"What did you want me to do?" asked the krogan.

"Just hold him back or something."

"Isn't that your job?"

Ashley glowered.

"Are you going to try punching me now?"

"Oh yeah," started Shepherd, "the change."

Ashley felt a sudden weight in her hand and looked down to see $1.75 in change wresting in her palm.

"What?" she sputtered, "how?"

"I control the inventory management system," said Shepherd, "that's all there is to it. See, I can even decide what weapons your carrying."

A moment later, Ashley was aware that the was carrying a Banshee model assault rifle instead of the old Lancer model.

"I can change Wrex's equipment too." A moment later Wrex was wearing shiny white Explorer build body armor instead of his old Mercenary body armor. The Krogan was noticeably unnerved and backed away. "Such is the power of the inventory management system."

"Well, we'd better get moving," said Ashley, hauling Shepherd to his feet.

After the coins were fed into the transit car the tinted glass window slid back to reveal that the interior cabin was much smaller than one might think, consisting of only a narrow bench and a foot of leg room.

"We're not all fitting in there," said Wrex.

"We have to try," said Shepherd, "the session has definitely started by now, but we can still catch the ending."

"No thanks," said Wrex, dismissively, "I'll just wait here."

"Your choice," said Shepherd, clambering into the car with Ashley's help.

Once Shepherd and Ashley were seated, the monitor at the front of the vehicle lit up with the words "You must gather your party before venturing forth."

"What? What the hell is this? This is bullcrap!" shouted Shepherd.

"What's the problem?" asked Wrex.

"We can't leave unless we're all in the vehicle," said Ashley, "must be a carry-over from some older program that doesn't really fit in anymore."

"Wait a moment," said Shepherd, "I've got an idea. Let's get out of the car."

"But it might fly off if someone else calls it," protested Ashley.

"Just trust me," said Shepherd.

Once Shepherd and Ashley were both out of the transit-car, Shepherd motioned for Ashley to stay put and climbed back into the car, settling into the middle seat. Once he was centered, Ashley and Wrex simply appeared on either side of him.

"How did you do that?" asked Wrex, fear and anger mingling in his tone.

"You just have to understand the mechanics of things," said Shepherd, who started to lean back only to realize that the seat back was too stiff for that kind of posturing.

**Coming up next, Trapped in the Mako.**


End file.
